I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
