I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
