She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
