a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
