I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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