Tell her she can't have a vagina
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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