Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
