We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
