I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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