brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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