: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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