You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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