my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize