also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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