I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
