I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
