How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
