The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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