i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
