i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
