I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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