Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
try to milk me bitch
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