you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
