I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
