So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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