Dude my mom stole all your condoms
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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