Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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