I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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