You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
don't judge my taste in strippers
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
