I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
