wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
