I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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