guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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