why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
