My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
