I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
