wat bout pragnant strippers??
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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