My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
