the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
