My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
