Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
