did you get engaged???
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
