you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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