Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
