peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
