my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
