I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
