Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
