i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
