my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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