im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
