I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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