"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
