so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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