It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
