I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
