I wish you could order shots online.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
