I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so that wasnt chicken after all
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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