Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
