i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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