Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
