I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
