Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm both gender and math confused
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
