Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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