Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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