The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
