i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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