I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize