Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
