Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
