i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
if only i could text you this smell
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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