I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
