also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
