forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
