I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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