Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
